What if...

So, I'll be going back to New York in three and a half days. And, as always, I really don't want to go. I didn't want to go two years ago when I first left. I didn't want to go last year. I certainly didn't want to go after either winter break (exchange mild 60 degree California weather for sleet and slush and subzero temperatures? I don't think so.)

Part of the reason is I'm lazy. Another part is I'm scared. Another part, the part I hope is the biggest, is heartbroken to be leaving behind my family, my friends, my town, and the home that I love so much. Although I've spent two years studying in New York, I haven't yet found my place in the mess of it all, and the feeling of being lost (spiritually and emotionally, as well as often physically) in a city that size is not something I want to relive.

I keep wondering: what if I did take a semester off? A year off? What would I do with myself? What would I change? I tell myself that it wouldn't matter if I took some time off - I skipped most of fifth grade, so I'd really be getting back lost time, not losing more time. When I come back, I'll be older, wiser, more mature, and better-adjusted to the adult world. I can take time to develop my other skills, to read, to write, to study. I can take time to just be, a concept that gets thrown around a lot by the hippies who shop at The Store but doesn't get a lot of practice by yours truly. I can figure out who I am.

Of course, this is all bullshit. I have no guarantee that I'll ever come back at all. I could easily settle into a lazy life at home, and I'll never again find the courage to move away. I'll work a boring job in a boring place with other people like me - bright, exciting people who have simply chosen a quiet life at home rather than reach for the stars. I could find a nice guy worth marrying, settle down with him, and raise a family.

This is the first time in my life I've thought that raising a family might not be a bad job after all.

Will I chicken out and stay at home? Probably not.
Do I feel like chickening out at this moment? Definitely.

What will happen tomorrow? I'm not sure.